Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Yoga Blog Topics I'd Pay to See More Of
1. Stories about farting, loudly and repeatedly, in class.
2. Pussy-farts.
3. Humping in general.
4. Humping someone from your shala.
5. Breaking up with someone you've been humping from your shala.
6. Putting your mat down right next to someone you were humping, but are no longer humping, from your shala; putting your mat down and, as a matter of fact, doing your whole practice and not saying a goddamn word to that person you were humping for four months, even though it was going somewhere nice, maybe not somewhere overly serious, but there was definitely potential, and at the very least you were spending a lot of time together, until one day, out of the blue, while shifting nervously in his seat at the coffee shop and scratching his wispy facial hair in a distracted and put-upon way, he said, "This isn't working for me — I'm sorry," and that was it, no more humping, no more post-practice coffee, no more phone calls, no more e-mails, and you were left to wonder what the hell happened, and fuck it, you're putting your mat down next to his every goddamn day until he says something to you.
6. Narcissism.
7. Overcoming the novelty factor of a daily ashtanga yoga practice.
8. Eating disorders at your shala, and in yoga in general, i.e., the skinned rabbit-woman look.
9. Thoughts both general and specific on the abandonment, the dissipation, like so much steam, of every conscious thought, the very dissolution of every idea of good bad, fat thin, strong weak, stiff bendy, sore warm, front back, top bottom, all of it, until only the in-breath, the out-breath remain, and then that disappears, too, and there is only a swelling sense of warmth and love, and that, too, disappears, and then there is no "I," no difference between you and the wall, the pillar, the statue of Hanuman in the corner, the mat, the rug, the whirring of the heater, the floor, the woman across from you, the sweating, grunting man next to you, the beams of sunlight lancing through the fogged window; there is no past, there is no future, there is only the breathing, pulsing now, only you are not breathing it, it is breathing you.
10. As per above, heart cracked and overflowing, weeping in savasana, eyes wide, water flowing freely down the cheeks.
11. For the real psychenauts: ashtanga vinyasa plus DMT.